I went into comments and changed the background color. Nothing. Changed the font color's. Nothing.

AAAGGGGHHHHHHH!

Someone asked me today if I was going to start working out.

Excuse me, are you by chance smoking crack?

I don't know where that came from and when I'm lying in bed, I am starting to feel like huge old loser because I'm lying there instead of getting up and doing something. It's about all I can fucking do to clean whatever I am able and watch a baby and a ActivBoo, let alone try to go out and walk or anything.

I went to the Rheumatologist today and yes I'm fucking worried as hell. My body is haywire. He took major amounts of blood from my arm, but then the plebotomist said my doctor is very thorough. I know he's running blood tests to try and diagnose systemic lupus. He said fibromyalgia is a component of what I have, but that I have an infammatory disease that is separate from that.

I don't know about you, but I don't like that. And I've told a couple of people that and I get no reaction. Maybe it's a common thing, for people to have a disease where your own body attacks it's organs and you can develop kidney disease or liver disease, I dunno. Maybe it really is no big deal.

I wasn't going to write about it at all in here, but as always, I feel the need to get it out.

Hey AssClown, still reading? Fuck you.

So yeah. Do I bring this shit on myself? Do I have a need to be sick? I always assume it's my fault. I'd much rather have Fibro because it's pain. It's not necessarily my body attacking itself AND pain. I'd even rather have RA. My body attacking it's joints. The joints, not organs. Although my mom has that and it's hellish for her.

DPH's ex girlfriend had systemic lupus and had a shitload of problems. She lost her hair. I haven't lost my hair. It is thinner.

I have this rash on my face that has made my skin different. Like it has caused the area to be scarred.

And maybe it's just more of the same. I don't know how to explain it. It's just different. When the fibro hit again, it was different.

So he put me on a shitload of *prednisone and then another drug to help me sleep.

So then I ask myself if it is what this is, do I want to take a load of drugs?

So no, I'm not working out. I'm trying not to go beserk in my own head. I'm trying to keep my mind from blowing up. I'm trying to take care of an infant, a 3 year old, a 10 and 11 year old. I'm trying very hard not to sleep the whole time Lee's home. It takes effort to get up off the floor. I'm constantly sitting on the floor. It's my own test. If I can't haul myself up off the floor, then I know I'm totally screwed.

I'm babbling here. I'm a combonation girl right now. Pissed off, more pissed off. Hurting. In more ways than one. I have to watch who I tell or they scatter faster than roaches in bright light. I wonder if people think they can get what I have, even if it turns out to be a huge bad fibro flare.

I am going to bed. To not work out. To sleep more. To get away from feeling sick. And to get away from feeling painful. Sorry if I just don't have the strength people think I should have. As if I'm going to pull strength out of the air. At this point, I have none.

BTW, the best entry I've seen about Terri S is Kellbelle's. Read it because it's good.

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Tanya McBee Gunby | Create Your Badge