Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Today we're going to do some Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

"Have you ever sold your soul to the Devil?"

No, Rayel, I haven't. Today we're going to talk about "Boundaries".

"Well, I've sold my soul to the devil. Have you ever heard of a group called _____?"

No, Rayel. I'm in charge of the group right now and we're talking about "Boundaries."

Rayel stands up. "Can I show you something?"

(I'm instantly on guard because I feel I'm going to get smacked in the face because, quite frankly, Rayel could and would "go off" at any given moment.)

No Rayel, I'm working on "boundaries" and you need to wait"

Rayel sits down and there is a collective sigh of relief in the group.

Boundaries. We don't have many.

3 Reasons for boundaries?

Selfhood.
Protection.
Responsibility.

WEll, this is good. Yes, this is good.

I don't want to be fused with anyone. I have to take care of myself first before I can take care of anyone else.

People with SUPER boundaries can't hear "No". They have a castle and a moat and they say you can only come in when I say so. When you do come in, you can only live by their rules. There is no other way to do things except how I do them.

Remember that you can only change you. You cannot change others in your life. To heal, you can only focus on changing your own actions/reactions.

Unhealthy boundaries: "Are like a reinforced steel concrete fortress bomb shelter - prison shuts us off from everything and everyone outside. Isolates us. Rigid, infelxible. Or like no fence at all - nothing to protect us from harm, nothing to define us."

I can't change anyone. I cannot help anyone that doesn't want to be helped. I can't make anyone get help. But I can change me. I can say no. It's not up to me to fix anyone.

Saying no means there are rules. People who say "no" carry rules inside of them.

If you don't say "no" to your children, you are building an addict.

The child learns "I feel bad - someone must fix it."

I'm learning. I have to write it down to reinforce it. Type it, whatever.

"Boundary myths:

Silence is a good boundary.

Silence really implies consent.

If I set boundaries, I am selfish

Selfish has to do with wishes. Being responsible for our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, behaviors has to do with needs.

Without boundaries, we have no "self" to be unselfish with.

Boundaries hurt people
Boundaries only hurt those who will not hear them. They are a defensive thing, not an offensive thing. If someone stays lonely because you said "NO" to resucing them, that's their responsibility.

IF I sent boundaries, I will be attacked or abandoned

This might actually happen. Boundaries are limit tests for US. Those who can hear them love us for who we are and respect our will. Those who can't hear them love us for our compliance. Setting limits is telling the truth. Truth often rocks the boat. There will always be some sort of reaction to our limits (be it positive or negative.)"

One more

"Boundaries are a sign of disobedience
LACK of boundaries is a sing of disobedience. People who don't have them are often compliant on the outside but resentful and rebellious on the inside. They say yes but mean no."

Ok, one more.

"Boundaries mean I don't love the other
The more boundaries you have the more you LOVE. Having boundaries means you can have something of self to offer the loved one."

Anyone have questions? Rayel?

"Can I show you something?"

Yes, Rayel, we're done with class. You can show me"

(I run from class)

last - next

6 comments so far
Tanya McBee Gunby | Create Your Badge