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November 19, 2005, 5:51 PM

I'm in an interesting "space" right now.

The kids are fine. One is sleeping off her birthday party from last night, one is right next to me demanding things that a 4 year old ought not demand. One is in his exersaucer of which I am about to fold up because I'm sick of him being stuck in there for convenience sake. He likes to be on the move and cruise and play with his purple horse.

He is confident in his boyness and loves the purple horse. It's his favorite toy.

One quiet child is in the kitchen.

I had the urge to run and didn't because I didn't want to even though the urge was there.

I don't feel guilty about it. Yesterday I had a vegan something-or-other and it didn't set well.

I'm having a hard time calming down and I am praying the night shift person will call in sick so that I can do my own thing and screw a bunch of stuff up so that I can have a bunch of failed claims so that I can go over them all day in the office with the trainer.

I want to take a 7 on, 7 off job at another facility that's nights for a number of reasons but am counting the days until the person I've replaced comes back.

There are a select few I talk to and the rest irritate me. Even the person I call "trainer from hell" is not so bad. She just has to have things a certain way.

I've been bombarding another person from work with emails because I've found this person will respond and this is a bad thing. Once I figure out you will respond, I write and write and write. And write. There has to be a better outlet.

I think that person has a lot on their mind and it probably doesn't help that I'm being an email stalker. Of course I have no idea if something really is on their mind, although I know a lot is on their mind as far as fixing things.

I wonder a lot about some people and not a lot about others. Some are bitchy and I don't have a lot of use for those kinds.

There's a dude that's hitting on DeeDee big time. I found that happening and know that all I have to do is say

"I HAVE FOUR CHILDREN" and they stop talking to me.

I think she should mention she has 3 children.

I found that when I was single, guys would be ok if you had one or two. 3 was pushing it. 4 scares the hell out of them thus making it so that they don't hit on you. I had this dude at work saying he liked women of all sizes

(are you saying I'm fat???)

I was not impressed and indeed I mentioned the 4 kids thing.

I'm a crappy writer BUT I do it a lot. Out of the extreme fear that my mind will not work as it once did. It doesn't now. I can't even think of simple words and that scares me. So keep writing.

To light box or to not light box. My joints are flaring and my butterfly rash is burning. My face looks red all the time. A constant reminder. And it just gets to me at times. I'll plunder on.


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Tanya McBee Gunby | Create Your Badge