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November 20, 2005, 1:25 PM

H@arry P0tter was heartbreaking.

I knew it was coming and I was a mess anyway. I'm not one that deals with death at all. Unless a fake death comes up and then it all comes back to me.

Now I am melancholy. When I get this way, then I beat myself up.

I'm at this tug of war. I am not pretty. But am I really supposed to be? Does it really matter? When I get up to where I'm supposed to be, are they really going to kick me out because I'm not pretty? No they're not.

I'm supposed to be working on my soul right now, not something I can't change. I am as active as I physically can be. Today I did run but it didn't have the same effect it usually does. While running and then walking, I was in war with myself about what I think I should be and what I am. I don't even know what I am.

I'm supposed to do 'mirror work'.

Look in it and say "I like myself" 10 times. As ordered by Ann. She's short and bossy. So I don't really have to but I did. That's no so hard. But I'll be goddamned if I'm going to stand naked in front of a full length mirror and say it. Fuck that. Who needs that torture.

And yeah Becca, WTF was that about? Is that supposed to be a fucking compliment?

Anyway, I don't get magazines unless they're about the world. I don't buy the fashion types because they're filled with the fantasy and not reality. I fall into that too easily. A lot of shoulds. I shit on myself. Or rather...

I should on myself a lot.

I can only do what I can. I can only do the right thing and the body thing is not what I can focus on, otherwise I just would rather die. I know my grammar sucks and I could give a shit less. I'm trying to give myself an outlet here.

People read or not read.

An epiphany while I was in my special place. I am not skinny. It does not matter. I am active. I can chase down my 4 year old. I can hike. I can get out of bed in the morning. I don't have to roll out onto the floor like I used to. I don't writhe around on the floor in pain like I used to. I can take them to the park. I'm going to take them to the park. I don't know which one. I don't have to live up to anyone's expectations but my own. And I have expectations of perfection I cannot meet. So don't have any except still be friendly, still smile and remember what I'm here for. I don't remember what I'm here for but try to remember.

And above all else. I know what's important.

Purses and lipgloss. I found a "Dickies" purse and I'm happy. I did get all my crap shoved into it. Cath liked it, but liked the 9-west leather brand better.

Of course my purse looks nothing like this and is much smaller. But click on the photo and browse Hot Topic. Find something you like and buy it.


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Tanya McBee Gunby | Create Your Badge