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November 30, 2006, 11:11 AM

Yeah so. I haven't written in a while and I didn't think that would happen. But it did. I didn't think I would neglect saying "hi" or write. Sure, everyone is "virtual" but you still get to know people.

I was working full time in the EYE PLACE and then switched to the HEART PLACE and really liked who I was working with. Then I realized real fast that Ben and the other kids need my time.

It's hard. I took the bus early in the morning to get to work. 45 minute trip. I worked all day in one of the most stressful places in the hospital. Then come home and eat dinner and talk a little bit. It was taking a huge toll. I liked it to. I didn't want to move jobs, but then a part time job opened up in the HEART place. Even part time was too much.

The girls are in their teenage times (someone help me please...) and need a lot of time. So does Boo. Ben is going to need a lot of therapy (see previous entry).

I have no idea where the money is going to come from. NO IDEA. But it will work out. Even if I have to become his therapist. What else do I do? There is FEAT.ORG

I have to check that out. There has to be something. What I'm really not comfortable with? Having people in my home, running therapy programs. I will if it will help him. It just makes me really uncomfortable. I have such a messy house.

It seems I can do one or the other. Watch the kids OR clean the house.

Neglecting the diary. Not ignoring anyone so much as trying to keep my head above water. It's been a year. I don't want to say hard, but it's been hell in more ways than one. And it's one of those "needed" hell's to get from one place to the other. Now that I look back on it, I don't know how I functioned.

And that falls under the category of:

That's life.

Everyone goes through their thing.

Now it's time for something completely different.

Lee's mom dying was very hard. Very sad. We're moving into their home sometime next year. Their house they had built for retirement, overlooking the bay. I feel sad about that. I feel sad mother-in-law didn't have time to enjoy it longer. Although I knew she did enjoy it. There are things to get over.

Thanksgiving was hard. I feel like the odd man out. I had a talk with her in my mind during Thanksgiving and what I get in return is the feeling of unconditional love.

I know that with Lee's family I have always felt like the odd man out. It's them and then there's me. That's MY feeling. It doesn't mean that's the way it is.

I know Lee's mom passed on; crossed over as she should have. She's resting and also doing things. This is how envision it. She, as everyone else that has passed on successfully, has things to do. That doesn't mean to me that she's waiting around watching our every move.

She probably checks in from time to time. She's not guiding everyone's life. I think we can do that ourselves. We just have to listen.

I see her once in a while. Not physically. I see her in a lady bug or in the Blue Jay that got so close, I thought it was going to peck my eyes out. I was on the back deck and it kept coming closer and closer. Just looking. I was talking to my friend John. "It's going to get me! It's going to get me! What's the bird doing??!" The Blue Jay looked another minute at me, then flew away.

Blue Jays are a rarity around here. I used to see them all the time as a kid and now it's a rare occurance. Now that every tree is being torn down, we see more and more wildlife. Especially the raccoons. There was one 2 miles away, at my parents house. Real, how do I say? Rough looking? Half a tail, fur not as pretty as some. Last few nights we've found him in our garage. Looking for cat food. Huge raccoon.

They travel.

Crows everywhere.

Time to get off the computer and do something.



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