Now thinking about the previous entry, I was talking to my SIL about the molestation. Both she and Lee guessed the person right away. The words came out. I said I was molested. Anne asked if she could say who she thought it was. She guessed one of my first cousin's. She is right. Lee did the exact same thing. He asked if it was the first cousin.

Then you get to thinking how many people aren't believed or they are in denial. This cousin was my brother's and my favorite. Will my brother believe it? I can't worry about it, but you can't help but think things.

Tell my parents? Not at this point. It's important for me to discuss it. If people aren't comfortable with it, that's ok.

I'll get past it, but being able to say it out loud is very new. Think of someone who's had a stroke and can think something but can't make the words come out. That's how this is with me. It has to have been a deep fear for me not to be able to say it out loud for so many years. I don't know if it was a threat or my fear that I would cause problems.

I'm not the only one so my story is not so unique and yet it doesn't take away from the fact that it was ugly.

I talked to Seth today and that was a wake up. You hope you're the only one who was the target. But the cousin married a woman with a 5 year old. He adopted the 5 year old. They had another girl of their own. Then they divorced. Because I can remember only bits and not full events, what the hell do I do? The once 5 year old is now near 20 and the daughter is probably almost or is 12.

I know my uncle would have protected me had he known. I just talked to him Tuesday. I asked how the cousin was because at the point I didn't have the breakthrough and he said "alright" and didn't elaborate. Just kept talking. This cousin has had a lot of problems, especially since he had an accident a few years back. I asked how the cousin's daughter was and he said ornery as ever.

Seth said if I were say, 5 to 7, that would make the cousin 15-17 and I could have been a really easy target. He said that his guess was there were more.

Second day of revelation and I'm thinking more and I'll be writing more about it. Just so odd. I always wondered why I got away with not having this happen to me and over the course of the years, I've asked questions to myself about this cousin.

I still am surprised about the weight that I felt lift of my shoulders. Back in high school, I thought that would happen when I graduated and it didn't.

Other incidents were very revealing, but this just a great feeling. To just say it and not be paralyzed.

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Tanya McBee Gunby | Create Your Badge