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June 29, 2009, 9:51 PM

I canceled a doctor's appointment. Why? Because I'm afraid he'll tell me I'm too fat. The past year I've probably gained 15 lbs. I was in school, very stressed out and all I wanted was sugar. And the eating disorder popped up. The naturopath knows all that. But he said that my weight was up and blah blah blah. It was fine when he said it, but that night I said "Fuck you" a lot in my head. I've canceled appointments with him a couple of times since then and never want to go back.

The hives-turned-joint-pain came about and the water retention that went with it never went away. I don't know why. I feel like a water balloon on top of it all. I can't see the vein in my arm because I'm so puffy and I'm nearly petrified he'll talk about this again. I'm sure it's his job, but then I get pissed off because I'm not this Hulking European Woman. I see women bigger who obviously seem a lot happier and I think they look great too.

So what's my problem?

And you know, I'm all done thinking I have to have a male in my life. Don't get me wrong, I know two parents are better than divorced parents, for the most part. But I'm tired of thinking of everyone first and not taking care of myself. I think that's half of why I'm in the position I'm in. I can't take care of the kids if I'm unhealthy. I have nothing to offer anyone if I'm sick all the time.

But back to the man thing, a lot of us do that. I got married for the second time way too soon, before I knew really what I wanted and chose someone who doesn't have many of the same values I have.

I want to grow in life, I don't want to sit still. I don't want to have to ask permission or feel like I'm asking permission. If I ever get involved again, it's because the person likes me. If I get involved again.

I'm not at all bitter, I'm just very tired. Something I repeated in this relationship that I had never realized; I always choose people emotionally unavailable to me. They're just not that into me. I did it with the first one and I repeated that, even though their personalities are very different. I pretty much know why I chose why I did and I'm not willing to do it again.

What do I want? Who cares! I am too busy for that. I have 4 kids and myself, that's enough.


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Tanya McBee Gunby | Create Your Badge