The past two days I've done a lot of reflecting on my life over the past five years and realize that the girls and I have been through a lot.

Do I ever know people have gone through tougher times but fuck it, it's my place to write.

I left my first husband. I had no job, no skills and two girls in diapers and he was giving me $50 a week because that was adequate, what would I need with more?

I went back. I couldn't live off my parents and felt guilty for living with them. I think first husband, DPH, had that planned.

After being back with him, I got a part time job at Lane Bryant. In the back of my mind, I knew I had to feel better. I knew if I were forced to dress up and talk to people, I would feel better. It did a lot for me. DPH was mad at me for working 3 times a week and told me that really all I needed to work was 1 time a week and I needed to talk to my manager about scheduling my time so it was just once a week.

I left about six months after getting the part time job, which by then was nearly full time. The girls and I left and took up space in my old bedroom. One girl slept on the floor and one girl slept in the double bed with me. I worked retail hours, sometimes I'd work mornings and other times I'd work swing shift. I did that for about another 6 months and decided to try and work it out with DPH one more time.

Well, it didn't work. Around the second weekend of August I left for good. We had been going to counseling when I realized I just couldn't be with him and try to be me. I was growing and he was stationary. When I grew or wanted to, he really tried to hold me back.

My parents helped me with a lawyer, however I paid them back. About that time I got a new job at Premera Blue Cross. I had to find daycare. I found a great daycare lady and the first week of my new job, he was giving me a huge hassle about having the girls in an in-home daycare. We got that sort of settled after much arguing. I was in training while going through the worst part of the divorce.

In the mornings I'd get up about 6, get myself ready, get the girls up and lay them both on the couch and turn on the TV so they could wake up slowly. I'd let them eat breakfast on the couch and get them dressed. I made their lunches daily.

I remember my dad saying that when his single mother was working, he hated getting up at the crack of dawn and being shoved into a cold car. I remembered him saying that and made the mornings the most pleasant I could for them. That's why I got them dressed, plus they were tiny girls. I threw their coats in the dryer during the winter months and warmed up the car. I'd throw their warm coats on them and run them out to the car and buckle them in. Usually I warmed up their blankets and I'd throw those on them as well. We'd take off to daycare.

I'd get to work about 8:20 and then leave there at 5, go pick up the girls at daycare and go home to make dinner. During this time, DPH wanted the girls ONLY every other weekend. I'm not sure why that was, but when he found out he could get a residential credit (money taken off child support if he had them more) he put up a huge stink about needing to see his girls more.

Anyway, about 8 months after being at Premera, spousal and I started dating. We dated about 6 months and got engaged. We married a year and a half later. Or a year later. We got an apartment.

So basically, the girls and I started over. Completely. I went from owning a house to renting again. From having money to having NO money to spare. We moved from the apartment to a rental house. I had another kid 7 years after the last child. 3 days after having the baby, DPH was giving me hell about daycare again and refused to pay. Eventually, he did have to pay so it was all for not. 3 weeks before going back to work I was served with court papers because DPH wanted the girls to go to the school in the neighborhood where we just moved instead of keeping them in their same school. Long story, but I just didn't feel like the girls should have to make yet another change when they were so stable where they were.

I went back to work and we had 3 kids and homework and a little baby who didn't always want to sleep at night.

Spousal had to get another job because we weren't making it on insurance salaries. Plus the new court costs and taking time off work really threw us financially. He worked his ass off. And around this time I was getting sick with Chronic fatigue and Fibromyalgia. He took care of 4 people instead of having an equal partner to share in the responsibility.

Eventually I quit work, about last May. I was tired all the time. Spousal would take off work at times because I couldn't get out of bed. I was literally writhing in pain at nights because the pain in my joints and muscles was bad. I ached and I couldn't get a good nights sleep.

We went from taking turns getting up with the kids to spousal getting up EVERY morning with the kids because I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't think straight because I had that "fibro fog". My brain was fuzzy, like it had a bubble around it. I couldn't remember anything, couldn't concentrate. I felt like I was turning into a baby and spousal did a whole lot trying to take care of all of us. I had an abortion for medical reasons and that sure did a number on me mentally. I still need to work that one out in my head.

Spousal got his new job as Territory manager and things got better after that. We're still getting caught up financially and I do need to get a job, but it's going to have to be a graveyard.

With all that went on the past 3 years, it's no wonder we're going through some hard times with the marriage. He jumped both feet into a marriage where he had insta-kids and not a lot of guys would do that and take on the role of dad just like he has. I think he's trying to get a handle on how much time he should be spending at work and how much at home. I hope that with me working, he won't feel as much pressure.

I have little wants in life. We rent. That's the way it is. I joke about white trash stuff, but it doesn't make us white trash. We're not at a place where we can buy a house right now and that's fine. I know other people stereotype us because Gia's little friend said something about us "just renting". Like that made us below everyone else. Some of my married friends just don't seem to have the concept of how we can't do certain things because we don't have the extra money. My faithfully challenged friend's husband makes over $100K per year and just doesn't get that I can't afford things like she can. My other friend just blows money like there's no tomorrow and totally judges people who don't have a lot of money. I wonder if she forgets that had it not been for her parents, she would not be where she is today.

Most of the time it doesn't bug me, but today a lot of things are bugging me.

I do what I can. I try to make my girls understand what compassion is and try to model it for them. I do what my version of giving back something by volunteering. It may not be what everyone thinks of giving back, but I think it's important. It's important for them to see it too. I can't give money, but I can give time and work my ass off. I babysit for my sister in law, which she does in return. I want her to keep her sanity and feel rested, which is half of sanity, for me anyway. REST. I help my mom out around the house when I remember to do so. I clean out her litter boxes for her cat because she has a hard time doing it. I clean out the dishwasher because she hates doing it. I water her plants in the summer. I should do more. I asked her to make lists for me today.

Anyway, blah blah blah. I don't have a point. I just need to get this out of my system. I just hate judgement and people thinking they are better than everyone else because they own their houses and they have money they can blow on bullshit items. Material stuff. I really want to get away from that. And I have to a large extent. Aside from clothes. I have a weakness for clothes and that's my downfall. I'm not saying it's wrong to want nice things and it's great to have money and all. I just really am not into judging people for what they have and don't have.

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