I'm reading "The Chronic Illness Experience" and I'm glad I am. I thought I had read everything about Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue and what I hadn't read was how other people deal with their illness or go through the same feelings I do. I guess I didn't think it was ok to grieve the loss of my old self and it's ok to say no to things. tell spousal I can't do something because I'm too tired, too weak or in too much pain. Other people wonder if they too are just complainers and just don't deal well with pain. Other people deal with doctor's attitudes that "you're just depressed" or you have "Housewives syndrome" or "you're just bored and need to get out more". Other people have friends and family that do not understand. Other people hate themselves because they're bodies aren't the same. Their bodies have changed. I'm vegetarian. "Then why aren't you skinny?" Well fuck, I am physically fucking unable to get out and do what you can, you fuck.

"Why can't you just be happy?"

Because I hurt all the time. I can't be happy all of the time. I can't be grateful that I'm alive. I can't be grateful that I'm not dying of cancer. I hurt all of the time. I take legal drugs all of the time. I don't feel normal. I feel like my head is full of cotton.

I have a hard time being around my mother in law. I just now admitted this to spousal, crying the entire time I told him. Every time his mom asks me how I'm doing, I tell her truthfully that I have not been doing great. This is the answer I get as she turns away from me EVERY FUCKING TIME:

"Mmmmmm."

It's ignored. It doesn't exist. I'm treated as if I'm playing it up. Poor spousal married a hypochondriac. He married a woman unbalanced and lazy and now he has to "deal" with her illness. Well you know what? I have to deal with my illness. And yes the house is going to be messy. MIL mentioned the house condition one time. She hasn't a clue. You can think I just don't deal with my pain well. You do NOT feel my pain. You have no clue how bad it is. Where are you at 2am when I can't sleep and am writhing in pain and pain pills aren't doing anything for me?

Spousal can't do it all. And neither can I. And I beat myself up for it. I have neither the energy or strength to be the supermom. I was never sick before this. This is not in my fucking head.

Sure, everyone comes up with very complex diagnosis' for me. "She just can't deal with her stress so it's manifesting itself by coming out as illness and pain."

FUCK YOU!

Tell me then why I've dealt with the stress of a verbally abusive ex husband, being a single mom, working full time and coming home then to be a full time mom? that's not even the half of it.

"Well it just caught up with you."

FUCK YOU!

I've had these symptoms for years, at a lesser extent. I never got better after I had little miss Boo a Loot. Not her fault at all. My mind is not sick. My body is sick. For a while spousal too said that I was too stressed out and that's how my stress was manifesting itself.

He's starting to understand that I am physically sick. I wake up with brick on me. I crawl to the bathroom some days. Some days I crawl up the fucking stairs. I wake up with my joints inflammed and I can't pick up or hold anything. My muscles are weak. At least the acupuncture is helping the muscle pain. I am so grateful for that. So far it hasn't done anything with the joint problems and I'm going through a major flare. And major fatigue. I was doing really well this summer. And towards the end of the summer, nothing had changed. There was no "new stress" and everything was fine, but I started to go through a major flare, worse than ever.

We got a letter yesterday that the landlord is selling the house and we have to move by March 1st. I dread the move. I phsically can't do it. I can pack like a madwoman while taking a lot of breaks during the day and then am wiped out and sleep starting at 6pm until 9:30 the next morning. But I can't help with moving stuff. I used to be able to do that. To be lifting couches and huge boxes and heavy things. I can't now. And I always fear that the people that are helping, like the inlaws, think I'm just being lazy or faking it or making a bigger deal of it than it is. I can't help to worry about it.

Go for it. Consider me lazy. Tell me it's all in my head. Or that I'm making a bigger deal of it than it is. That's ok. You do not have my body. You do not have my pain.

I know that spousal's mom doesn't care for me. that's fine. She's made herself less and less available. Anytime I try to talk to her about what I'm doing, the subject gets changed. She really gives the impression that she could care less what I'm doing. That's fine. I've learned to just go over there and smile and listen. Not talk. Because they could care less about what I have to say. I don't have opinions. I am not part of the family. That point has been made very clear to me. And I know I've tried, so there's no guilt on my part that I haven't tried.

So I know I'm sounding really angry, but this is what a diary is for. The inlaw thing was pent up for quite a while there and now I'm getting it out. I didn't want to tell spousal because I didn't want to be causing problems. But he and I are married. We're partners. I have to be able to talk to him. I know my problems with his parents won't change his feelings about them and that's very good. If they want to have a relationship with their grandchild like they say they do, that's great. So far though, they've made very little attempt. We're a family of 5 and it's hard for all of us to pack up and take the ferry and the drive to get to where they are. But we do it. I don't really see them making an effort to come out this way. And I have to accept that's the way it's going to be.

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