So have you ever come in the door and started walking up the stairs and just had to lie down right there? On the stairs. Looking at the foot prints and pine needles in your dirty, sweaty, cat hair covered clothes?

Yeah me neither.

I'm having one of those days. Which is one of those days I've never had before. Which I felt totally incapable of taking care of Boo. Which is hard to admit.

So I have to again admit that I'm sick. That I'm physically weak. At least today.

That I'm worthless. Another lifeless hunk of human flesh sucking air on the planet while there are others out there doing their worthwhile life things.

And I'm lying in bed. Wanting to take care of my child. Wanting to cook dinner every night. Wanting to sit and see what the girls have for their homework.

I want to get up in the morning and make their lunches. I want to be able to get out of bed. Period. How did I make it out of bed this morning? I have no idea. It took every fucking ounce of energy and motivation I had.

I must've pulled it from my ass. Wasn't that ladylike?

I can't pick up the hair dryer for very long. That's wierd.

I had to leave my volunteer job after I was done.

As fast as I could.

I felt myself fading. My body felt like it was shutting down.

Fast.

I got home and pushed myself out of the car. Pushed and pulled. Grabbed the outside of the door to help me along. If I were healthy, I could just pop right out. Using something to help yourself out of the car. That's showing weakness. I don't want to be this way.

I got inside and just layed on the stairs. I couldn't go anymore.

I know I don't have a real diagnosis. And I think I'd almost feel better if I had one. Fucking Fibromyalgia. Chronic Fatigue. What the hell is that?

After I broke down crying spousal took the ScoobyRubyBoo to work with him. Now that's fucked. He needs to work. He doesn't need to take his two year old along for the ride. To work. I should be taking care of her.

And today, for the first time, I could not take care of my two year old. That is probably the worst thing.

The guilt. It's always there. Imagine the self inflicted guilt today.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

"Please god, don't let me end up being the sister..."

-

-

-

Dude, I'm like only half the diarylander you are.

last - next

6 comments so far
Tanya McBee Gunby | Create Your Badge