Yow.

I read Irisheyes entry today and it really bugged me. Not because she wrote a bad entry, but because I'm really not dealing with shit and I should be.

Ok, we all know that we go through stuff and we all want to move on and not make a big deal about our problems. We don't want to be whiners. We don't want people to think we're whiners or shit magnets or anything like that.

We don't want to be new age and talking about our fucking feelings because who has time for that?

I'm thinking I ought to make time. Because I can't cope with things. I get overwhelmed. I don't say what's on my mind. I don't talk about what makes me angry. I apologize way too often. If someone bumps into me, I FUCKING apologize. Why? Because I was there? Because I was born in the first place?

I am really starting to get that I made myself sick this past year and a half. Don't get me wrong, I really was sick. Truly ill. I couldn't get up and down the stairs without using the railings to pull myself up and down. I was nauseous all the time. I was on the couch a lot. Sleeping in bed a lot.

I think people don't take it seriously because you don't have a name to it. It's not like MS or cancer or bipolar disorder. It has no name. No name that people take seriously. And so it must be in your head. And it is. But your head makes your body shut down so you can reserve your energy to survive. Thus your head makes you feel the stress. And it comes out in other ways. Like feeling sick. Muscle aches. Headaches. Extreme pain. Insides hurting. You want to die. You just don't want to kill yourself.

I've come a long way and have a long way to go and I don't want to be where I was a year and a half ago. I want to feel what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it and I want it out of my system. It's a lot of trial and error on what is appropriate and what isn't. Decorum? Fuck decorum.

I just don't have much to write these days because it isn't happy and it isn't positive and it isn't chipper. I guess that's ok. Just because I'm not happy or positive or chipper doesn't make it so that I shouldn't write.

I think I put myself down for feeling bad or depressed or dead because I'm not important enough to have those feelings. Other people have been through a ton worse than I have. But I realize now that it doesn't make what I'm feeling invalid, for lack of a better word right now. People can tell you to get over yourself or quit feeling sorry for yourself.

I'm pretty damn sure right now I'm not feeling sorry for myself. In order to get past this bullshit I actually need to feel first. And because people have been through worse doesn't mean I can't feel bad. I still need to deal with my feelings. My crap. My whatever. When you tell me people have been through worse, that tells me that what I'm feeling is not valid. When you tell me to quit feeling sorry for myself, that tells me I need to sit down and shut up and not talk. So ok. I won't talk about it. At least not to you. I'll smile and be all happy and shit.

Doesn't make my problems go away. They're still there. Waiting to creep out and attach themselves to my brain, my muscles, my joints. They're a parasite feeding off my repressed emotions. The only way I can make them go away is to be a whiner. To be someone that's feeling sorry for themselves. To be a new age hippie. I'm going to talk about my feelings. I'm going to make myself feel like I am worth something. To someone. I'm going to fucking cry. Even if that makes me seem weak to you.

Fuck you. I can cry and it can be ok. I'm not going to hide that anymore. I'm not going to pretend everything is ok when it isn't. I've done that for far too long for far too many people. And I'm tired of it. I just want to be normal again. I want to be well again. I'm getting there. Because I'm a fucking whiner. And a new age person talking about my feelings.

last - next

6 comments so far
Tanya McBee Gunby | Create Your Badge