If someone told me one day I'd be slapping live meal worms in cat food up on a log for flickers or cutting maple branches off for naked baby mountain beavers, I woulda said "Whatever."

Why are the mountain baby beavers naked? They had mites. No hair. One of the rehabilitators brought up one of the little dudes that died but the other one is alive and eating. I reached in to put the maple and Rhody branches in and he jumped, therefore I jumped back a few feet.

"Agh!!!" (insert girly scream here)

You just never know how fast those baby's are going to move and are they going to gnaw off your arm?

Ok. Opossums. AKA Opus's. Opi? Whatever. You can tell the males from the females because, get this (this is so cute), the females have POUCHES! (I'm sure there are genitalia differences as well). Little tiny pouches. You know. Because they're marsupials. I can't say it, can't spell it. But you know what I mean. They're like kangaroos. Only not so tall. And couldn't kill you with their feet. Just their 50 teeth. Probably. Plus, also, they look like huge rats in a way. At least their tails. But you know, the babies are cute. And the girls have little baby POUCHES for christsakes. How is that not cute? How could you not like opus's (opi?) after seeing that?

Now I'm going to want to check all dead opus's on the side of the road to see if they have a baby in the pouch. Ok. I wouldn't check it if the opus were flat. On the pavement. Or their entrails were trailing.

I do the dead bucket way too often. I didn't want to tonight. At all. I never want to. But not tonight. But I wanted to get the hell out of there. So I ran to do it fast and speedy quick. I ran to my car to get the cigarrettes I have allegedly been smoking so that I could light it up as I was tossing the dead animals in the cooler and then I could blow smoke all over my clothes so I didn't have to smell that dead smell. Oh. Hey. Earlier I locked my keys in the car. Oh. And the spare key is in the car too because I couldn't find my car keys the day before and spousal gave me his.

Shit. Damn. Fuck. Hell. Penis.

No, coat hanger didn't work. Priya drove me home and spousal and I called up the local police in the area. Oh no problem, just call 911 and they will come and unlock you.

We drive to PAWS. Call 911. Oh, sorry, you're out of the city's jurisdiction and the sheriff doesn't offer lock out service.

$70 later, I'm home around midnight. And still can't sleep.

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Tanya McBee Gunby | Create Your Badge