What I've learned this week.

Freedom is something I've taken for granted and it's real easy to do until you have someone tell you what you need to do and when you need to do it.

It's also a safe place to be. Lack of freedom. People telling you when you can go outside or when you can drink coffee and what and when you should eat.

I have not been in jail. Must clarify.

You have ideas in your head about what people are and what labels they have and what problems they have and you realize that everything is not how it was and these people are real. Real nice. Real needy. They are my neighbors and total strangers. You never know what's going on next door.

You don't know what's going on in your house.

You don't know what's going on in your mind. You do know that there are things that shouldn't be there and you don't know how to fix them until it snaps. Something in your brain completely snaps. You're either tired of the bullshit or your own bullshit that's smelling to high heaven. You don't know where to go but you know you must go somewhere and there's only one place to go.

And you're there. You forgot what it was to laugh and to cry and to cry in front of everyone. And everyone crys with you. You forgot that you were once creative and artistic. You forgot you were alive. You forgot that you could chain smoke until you hit the bottom.

Because when you hit the bottom, what the hell?

You see people that are worse off than you and you forgot what compassion was. You forgot that you cared and do care and are able to care.

You were dead for so long. There was no spark left until you crashed. The crashing is the worst and best part. The crashing is like being at a funeral. It's the best and worst time. Everyone comes together but it's a passing. It's a death.

A part of me died and it's a rebirth. I don't know why that is and where it came from. But I'm the same person and no longer the same.

I'm having a hard time adjusting to life and at the same time, I have it all in control. It's going to take time to get it all back in control.

I am no longer the same and I'm the best I've been. Probably ever.

So Jimmy. Get to where I am or get the fuck out of my diary.

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Tanya McBee Gunby | Create Your Badge