The question is:

If someone was molested, do they talk about it? Do they post it on an open diary?

People post other abuses, is sexual abuse off limits? I don't think so.

Do people repress memory? I know it happens. Even as an adult, I was looking at pictures taken during my divorce. The girls were little stereotypical witches for Halloween.

Costumes.

I asked my mom how they got the costumes. She told me all about it. To this day I have no recollection of the event. She said I was going through a really stressful time.

Yes, I repressed that memory, even as an adult.

And during this past year, I've been getting memory "flashes" of some ugly things.

I mean, c'mon, I'm a walking poster child for sexual abuse.

I don't remember an entire incident. My brain is remembering bits and pieces. No face. But I have an idea who it was. I know I was in second grade. I now "get" why I've had such a bad body image since I was in gradeschool.

Ashamed of my body. Wearing coats non-stop. Even as an adult, I have to force myself to NOT wear a coat all the time. I love the winter because I get to cover up. I don't wear a bathing suit without shorts. I don't wear shorts otherwise. Loose clothing all the time.

Shame. My body is a shameful thing for me.

It's a work in progress. I have never felt victimized. That's neither right or wrong. I just don't want to be a victim. I don't want to play a victim. I don't want to be on the victim bandwagon. I know people that continue to be on that train track. I heard E*llen B*urstyn say she spent many years laying down new tracks.

If you say you're going to get into the same kind of relationship again, it will happen for you. My first marriage was not a good one. Sexual abuse there too. I didn't pick another abuser.

I'm not a master at this or anything. I spend many days in self talk telling myself many times a day "Betty, it is not about you."

It's never about us. And I have to keep reminding myself.

I actively continue "cognitive behavioral therapy." Talking to myself. Telling myself that what I'm thinking needs to change.

So here we are. I was molested. I was molested more than once. But life continued on. We all have shit happen to us. This is the one that affected me the most. What do I do with it? I'm 35 and am finally remembering it.

I know it was not my fault. I don't JUST say it, I actively feel it was not my fault. I was very young. I was very quiet. I still don't know why I didn't tell.

I am angry. That's good. It's better than shutting down.

Do I forgive? I don't know. Is that up to me? I can't answer that yet.

I think it would be easier if I knew the entire event and not flashing images. I guess it happens that way for a reason.

I'm ready to handle it. I've gone enough years feeling embarrassment and shame about myself, past actions and going through crappy relationships.

Seth said yesterday he knew something was going on. He said he had wondered. He suggested I volunteer again because he knew I loved it. I had been thinking about volunteering again. I gave up the volunteering job because of Lee's work.

Lee and I had a short discussion of this a few years ago, but I wasn't sure. The subject was dropped.

When I told Lee this morning, I had the image of my chest opening up and butterflies flying out. They were bright and colorful. That image was just there. I hadn't time to think of anything like that happening. I had no expectation that if I openly talked about it, I would have some sort of HALLUCINATION.

I didn't think anything would happen. I did NOT think any weight would be lifted from my shoulders. And yet I physically felt it lift.

Relief. I was grateful. I have talked about difficult subjects before, but have never had that type of result.

This was the main one. Somebody got to me and did something bad. They were wrong to do it. It makes me mad that I don't remember it and that it shaped my life. That the action shaped how I view myself.

I married someone that was a p0rn freak and had weird ideas about what sex was. When you're in that relationship, you forget who you are and what you want.

I got out of that and realize what I want.

Now what?

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Tanya McBee Gunby | Create Your Badge