My second entry for today is better. A little. I think what's bugging me is the fact that I might have to admit I'm disabled. I don't give a shit if people think I'm a hypochondriac. However frustrating that is, I know I'm not near at the level I used to be, neurologically and physically. I'm not who I used to be and that's hard to accept. I try not to dwell on the pain and lack of concentration and memory loss. It's difficult to do. Imagine how crappy you feel when you have the flu. Achy muscles. Scratchy throat. Swollen throat. Feeling like you're getting a cold for 4 weeks straight. That's how I feel all the time. People don't want to hear it. Certain people I'm close to don't want to hear it. I get the "Oh." response. Or "Hmm." That's it. Not spousal, he's awesome. The most empathetic person I've known.

It's just hard. Other than Lee, I don't have anyone else to talk to about it. People think if you talk about it, you're dwelling too much on it. I'm kind of a person who wants to talk about it and get it out of my system. That' s why I guess this is good. I'm not saying anyone has to understand, but it's hard to deal with the "Hmm" or "Oh." That says to me this illness isn't valid. No, I don't have cancer. Does that mean I don't hurt? No. Does that mean I don't talk about it? No. It's not in my head. "in my head" doesn't cause irritable bladder, irritable bowel, Raynauds Phenom., joint pain and flu like symptoms. It doesn't cause my lymph glands to be swollen most of the time. My sister in law (A) said it was a "waste basket diagnosis." It's not. You actually see a Rheumatologist to specifically diagnosis this.

So you're hearing the frustration. I don't want to think of this as a disability and more of a bump in the road. I went vegan I *exercise* 4 times a week. I have 3 kids. I'm not lazy. I didn't make this up, it's not in my head. I'm not just depressed and this isn't a manifestation of JUST being depressed. I've been depressed before and been on medication. I've gotten better. Dr's made the assumption that I was just depressed. I'm just frustrated

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Tanya McBee Gunby | Create Your Badge