Where was I? Literally. That remains to be seen. I was in hell and now it's evolving into earth. Heaven can wait.

I've got too much to do.

It's a beautiful morning. I woke up to Lee shaking me. Where is your card? I staggered upstairs and found it for him. He was sorry. I wasn't. It was hard to find.

I've changed. In that short amount of time. I've changed and I hope it's for good. I don't want it to stop. I don't want to stop and I don't want to be stupid. I have energy. Too many hours in the day wasted for more than three years. My body eating away at itself while I was tearing myself apart.

I cut my hair really short to start clean. I would have shaved my head but wouldn't have heard the end of it. And yet this short, she didn't say anything negative.

I had a long talk with my mother in law, who I felt and maybe to an extent feel she just plain doesn't like me. I told her my story and she was so happy. She sounded genuinely happy. She had wanted to say something before and didn't. I wasn't so off the wall, but depressed and my body was suffering.

Funny, the pain is nearly non-existent. I'm either coping, or it's just a short term thing or it's gone. The pain that kept me indoors and locked up inside my head is virtually gone. I feel normal everyday pain and I feel that the pain isn't there.

I want this to stay. I know it will if I want it to.

The flip is that for the first few nights I was having terrible nightmares. I know what caused it, some metaphorical.

If I'm spelling things wrong, I give a shit not.

The first dream I had was that I caught a small rattle snake. Very small. I knew it could bite and I knew it had poison and I kept trying to catch it. I caught it once and kept it in a safe place. When I opened the box it was in, it jumped out and moved fast away. I tried to get it. It now had rattles and gave a shake of its tail in a warning. I picked it up and it bit me which in turn administered it's deadly bite.

More dreams came and they were terrible. The past two nights, the dreams have been better.

I'm getting better. I'm not going to hope it lasts because I know it will.

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Tanya McBee Gunby | Create Your Badge