Hm. 3 times a day.

3 times a day is the average.

3 times a day is the average time I spend eating things that are on my list.

My list of things not to eat.

What's on my list right now?

A lot of things. Things the family can eat, but I cannot.

3 times a day. Sometimes once a day, I throw up. I'm starting to lose my gag reflex.

No pity, really. No one is making me do this. These are rules I put on myself. These rules haven't been around for a while. I went about 3 years without throwing up.

3 years without making myself throw up.

I'd have a small relapse now and again, but that was usually reserved for family funtions.

I went into this way of eating without any conscious thought as to my eating "disorder." I hadn't thought of it. It didn't enter my mind. Then about a month into it, I decided that if I put anything into my mouth that was not raw, I was going to throw it up.

I started slow at first. Then is started to overtake.

Again, I am doing this to myself. It's no secret. Except not admitting to my parents that I'm doing it again. They don't get it. And shouldn't have to.

I don't want to hear "That's bad for you!"

Yes, I know it's bad for me.

I can't help but think this has something to do with my recently repressed memory surfacing. I mean, of course it has something to do with that.

I haven't always been plagued by the dreaded eating disorder. I've been plagued by self-hatred and self loathing and extreme guilt for having put any food in my mouth. Eating is shame.

I was never a "fat kid." And if YOU were, so what?

I would never call anyone else "fat."

In fact, I don't make fun of anyone or think "less" of anyone who may be considered "overweight." I don't think about it. People are just people to me. Lee put on some weight during his night shift stint. So what? He's still Lee.

But then comes me. I look in the mirror and say things to myself that I wouldn't dream of saying to ANYONE. I say things to myself that I have never said to anyone.

The book, Life Without Ed, had a great idea. Put a picture up of yourself as a little kid by the mirror. Look at the child's picture and call them fat, lazy and ugly. I'll bet you can't do it. I know I could not. It's a step.

Lee and I have an agreement right now. For some reason when I take my medication at night, I will wake up upon being half asleep and feel hungry. Last night I did this. I just started eating and then realized what I was doing. I purged. It's hard if he's asleep, but he said he'd talk with me and make sure I was awake and knew what I was doing if he was awake.

That's something for now. I know I need counseling, Ive said that before. But I can't call. I can, but I won't. Not right now. Lee said he would call. I could give a shit less about the medical laws right now. I just feel a lot of shame in calling.

There are people out there with worse crap going on.

However, this is my crap and I'm living it.

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Tanya McBee Gunby | Create Your Badge